15.1.09

the way it is

Dayton stayed put shivering in the cold. Doing his damndest to stay still. To reason with himself, perhaps. About what, he didn't know. Maybe he just wanted to hurt himself, or prepare himself for the elements. Yeah, that was it. He needed to be out in the cold. He need this walk. Maybe this was just like a farewell or something. It was getting to him. Actually. Warm tears softened his eyes. Blurring his vision just like he remembered seeing Chris. Was that the way he felt about Geoff?

His throat was raw. His body felt numb. He wondered how long he could stay like this. He'd hoped by now he'd just go to sleep. Maybe he's go to sleep and not wake up. But if he fell asleep, he'd dream about all the bad things he'd do to Bex and God knows who else.

"What are you doing out here?" It was Geoff. He'd came out for a smoke.

Dayton couldn't make his lips move. He really couldn't. His mouth was clenched so and he knew he'd fall over if he moved. Geoff pulled him in then to the warm livingroom and set him down. Somebody brought him some hot chocolate. He could barely hold it in his fingers.

"You think he's all right?" Someone asked.

"He's a little shy," Geoff just said.

He could see then that the game broke up. People were getting their coats. Saying their goodbyes. Dayton couldn't tell if it had just happened nor how long he'd really sat there holding the hot chocolate, but everyone up and left.

"I didn't mean to mess up the poker game," Dayton tried to say, but it might have came out a little slurred.

"It was just a Scrabble game."

"Scrabble?"

"Yeah, we're a boring bunch," Geoff almost smiled as he sat down next to him. "We're not into taking long walks in the cold. What happened?"

Dayton just shook his head. He took a sip of the hot chocolate then. It felt cold now. Barely warm.
"I'm afraid I'm going to do something bad." Dayton nodded then.

"How bad?"

"It could really be bad." His ears hurt when he swallowed.

"Did you do anything to Nancy?" Geoff looked at him.

"This isn't about Nancy," Dayton shook his head. "I found out-" It was still so hard to digest into words. "Bex is gonna have a baby."

Geoff just nodded.

"And I keep dreaming- I just keep thinking I might hurt her." Dayton gritted his teeth then.

"You think this baby is yours?"

"I dunno."

"I think you should find out." Geoff told him.

"Why couldn't she have told me?" Dayton winced. "She should have told me."

"So you could do something bad to her?" Geoff shrugged.

"No." He wouldn't have. Would he? "Its just all fucked up, you know."

"Maybe not for her," Geoff told him. "She's just fine and you got to stop-"

"I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know if I can trust myself." Dayton nodded. "I don't know what I might do."

"OK." Geoff shook his head. "Maybe you need some sleep."

"I don't wanna sleep." Dayton.

"Do you want me to call Chris?" Geoff suggested.

"No. I don't need him now." Dayton shook his head, feeling all the flem coming to his throat. All tangled up. No where to go. He wanted to choke. "Its you. I need you."

4 comments:

cady x said...

And he finally says it!
Shizam!

Cate said...

I can really imagine Dayton peering in to Geoff's window and watching them... I do things like that too, but I always hope that nobody will see me, like Geoff saw Dayton.
I'm glad Dayton can confide in Geoff. Maybe it's got something to do with Geoff being older.
I still wonder whether Dayton is over Chris and if he is, whether he now feels the same way about Geoff that he did about Chris.

ellie said...

I'm glad they are talking. Finally.

taffy. said...

good dayton.